《终结的感觉》

#小说 #人物/朱利安巴恩斯

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笔记

“不可靠的记忆和不充分的材料相遇所产生的确定性就是历史。”帕特里克·拉格朗日
'History is that certainty produced at the point where the imperfections of memory meet the inadequacies of documentation.' Patrick Lagrange

时间先安顿我们，继而又迷惑我们。我们以为自己是在慢慢成熟，而其实我们只是安然无恙而已。我们以为自己很有担当，其实我们十分懦弱。我们所谓的务实，充其量不过是逃避现实，绝非直面以对。
But time … how time first grounds us and then confounds us. We thought we were being mature when we were only being safe. We imagined we were being responsible but were only being cowardly. What we called realism turned out to be a way of avoiding things rather than facing them. Time … give us enough time and our best-supported decisions will seem wobbly, our certainties whimsical.

我感到有一点惊慌；我不想这一天就此消散，尽管现在回想起来，开始消散的并不是这一天，而是我们四个人之间的关系。
I felt slightly panicked; I didn't want the day to unravel. Though looking back, it was not the day, but the four of us, that were beginning to unravel.

人生到了后期，你觉得可以喘口气，歇一会了，不是吗？你认为，活了一辈子，也该歇一歇了。反正我是这样想的。但是到那时你才开始理解，生活是不会有所恩赐的。
还有，年轻的时候，你一定认为你可以预想到岁月会带给你的苦痛和凄凉。你会想象自己也许会孤单、离异、丧偶；孩子们都长大疏远了你，朋友也相继离世。你还会想象自己地位不如从前，无所欲求——更无人欣赏。你可能会想得更远，想到自己走向死亡，到那时无论有多少人陪伴，都只能独自面对。所有这些都是一味向前看。而你做不到的是向前看，想到自己站在未来的某一点回望过去。去体会岁月带给你的新的情感。
Later on in life, you expect a bit of rest, don't you? You think you deserve it. I did, anyway. But then you begin to understand that the reward of merit is not life's business.
Also, when you are young, you think you can predict the likely pains and bleaknesses that age might bring. You imagine yourself being lonely, divorced, widowed; children growing away from you, friends dying. You imagine the loss of status, the loss of desire—and desirability. You may go further and consider your own approaching death, which, despite what company you may muster, can only be faced alone. But all this is looking ahead. What you fail to do is look ahead, and then imagine yourself looking back from that future point.

我们多久才跟别人讲述自己的人生故事？我们又是多久会对其调整、修饰，甚至巧妙地删剔？年岁月大，周围挑战我们的讲述的人就越少，很少有人会提醒我们，我们的生活未必是我们的生活，而仅仅是我们讲述的关于人生的故事。是讲给别人听的，但是——主要是——讲给自己听的。
How often do we tell our own life story? How often do we adjust, embellish, make sly cuts? And the longer life goes on, the fewer are those around to challenge our account, to remind us that our life is not our life, merely the story we have told about our life. Told to others, but—mainly—to ourselves.

接下来的一周是我一生中最孤独的时光之一。似乎再也没有什么可期待的东西了。我孑然一身，脑海里有两个清晰的声音在不断重复：玛格丽特的声音在说，“托尼，你现在得靠自己了”；维罗尼卡的声音在说，“你就是不明白……以前没明白过，以后也永远不会明白”。
That next week was one of the loneliest of my life. There seemed nothing left to look forward to. I was alone with two voices speaking clearly in my head: Margaret's saying, "Tony, you're on your own now," and Veronica's saying, "You just don't get it … You never did, and you never will."

有累积。有责任。除此之外，还有动荡不安。浩大的动荡不安。
There is accumulation. There is responsibility. And beyond these, there is unrest. There is great unrest.