《长日留痕》
笔记
再次走过大厅，我在拱门下我那惯常的位置站定，在接下来的一个小时左右，也就是直到那几位绅士最终分手时，也不曾发生任何迫使我离开岗位的事情。然而，我站在那儿所花费的那一小时在若干年内一直非常生动地留在了我的脑海里。刚开始时，我的情绪——我也不在乎承认它——曾有几分萎靡不振。可随着我一直在那儿站着，某种奇特的事情便开始发生了：说具体点，一种切实的成功感涌人我的体内。我已无法记得我当时是如何品评那种感觉的了，可在今日，当追溯那段往事时，要寻求其原因看来也并不那么困难。简而言之，我曾经历了一个特别难以应付的夜晚，在那个夜晚的前前后后，我己设法法维护了“与我地位相符的尊严”——不仅如此，我是以一种甚至连我的父亲也必定会感到骄傲的方式做到这一点的。在大厅的那一头，在我的目光曾一直紧紧盯着的那几扇门之后，就在我刚才履行过职责的那个房间里，欧洲最有权威的几位绅士一直就我们这块大陆的命运协商着。在那一时刻，我曾确实像任何男管家所能期望的那样紧紧地贴近了重大事件的中心，对此谁又能怀疑呢？可我宁愿这样认为，当我站在那儿仔细琢磨当晚所发生的诸多事件时——那些事件有些已为我们所了解，而有些仍然有待了解——在我看来，它们就是我在生活中迄今为止曾渐次获得的所有成就的一个概括。对使我在那天夜晚精神振奋的那种成功的感觉，我几乎再也找不到其他任何解释了。
Crossing the hall again, I took up my usual position beneath the arch, and for the next hour or so, until, that is, the gentlemen finally departed, no event occurred which obliged me to move from my spot. Nevertheless, that hour I spent standing there has stayed very vividly in my mind throughout the years. At first, my mood was- I do not mind admitting it - somewhat downcast. But then as I continued to stand there, a curious thing began to take place; that is to say, a deep feeling of triumph started to well up within me. I cannot remember to what extent I analysed this feeling at the time, but today, looking back on it, it does not seem so difficult to account for. I had, after all, just come through an extremely trying evening, throughout which I had managed to preserve a 'dignity in keeping with my position' - and had done so, moreover, in a manner even my father might have been proud of. And there across the hall, behind the very doors upon which my gaze was then resting, within the very room where I had just executed my duties, the most powerful gentlemen of Europe were conferring over the fate of our continent. Who would doubt at that moment that I had indeed come as close to the great hub of things as any butler could wish? I would suppose, then, that as I stood there pondering the events of the evening - those that had unfolded and those still in the· process of doing so - they appeared to me a sort of summary of all that I had come to achieve thus far in my life. I can see few other explanations for that sense of triumph I came to be uplifted by that night.
A few minutes ago, incidentally, shortly after the lights came on, I did turn on my bench a moment to study more closely these throngs of people laughing and chatting behind me. There are people of all ages strolling around this pier: families with children; couples, young and elderly, walking arm in arm. There is a group of six or seven people gathered just a little way behind me who have aroused my curiosity a little. I naturally assumed at first that they were a group of friends out together for the evening. But as I listened to their exchanges, it became apparent they were strangers who had just happened upon one another here on this spot behind me. Evidently, they had all paused a moment for the lights coming on, and then proceeded to fall into conversation with one another. As I watch them now, they are laughing together merrily. It is curious how people can build such warmth among themselves so swiftly. It is possible these particular persons are simply united by the anticipation of the evening ahead. But, then, I rather fancy it has more to do with this skill of bantering. Listening to them now, I can hear them exchanging one bantering remark after another. It is, I would suppose, the way many people like to proceed. In fact, it is possible my bench companion of a while ago expected me to banter with him - in which case, I suppose I was something of a sorry disappointment. Perhaps it is indeed time I began to look at this whole matter of bantering more enthusiastically. After all, when one thinks about it, it is not such a foolish thing to indulge in - particularly if it is the case that in bantering lies the key to human warmth.
It occurs to me, furthermore, that bantering is hardly an unreasonable duty for an employer to expect a professional to perform. I have of course already devoted much time to developing my bantering skills, but it is possible I have never previously approached the task with the commitment I might have done. Perhaps, then, when I return to Darlington Hall tomorrow - Mr Farraday will not himself be back for a further week - I will begin practising with renewed effort. I should hope, then, that by the time of my employer's return, I shall be in a position to pleasantly surprise him.